Week 11

"Your baby measures about 1 3/4 inches to 2 1/4 inches (44 to 60 mm) from crown to rump, and weighs about 1/3 oz (8 g).
Your baby's development has passed its critical stage, and from now on she'll be at less risk of developing any sort of congenital abnormality or being affected by most infections and certain drugs.
By the end of the week her body will double in length, and her head will be almost half the length of her body. Underneath her fused eyelids, the irises start to develop and these will later protect her eyes from too much light. However, her ears won't be fully developed for some time. Even this early on, your baby can yawn, suck, and swallow.
Your baby's vital organs--liver, kidneys, intestines, brain, and lungs--are fully formed and beginning to operate. For the rest of the pregnancy they just need to grow. Finishing touches, such as fingernails and downy hair, start to appear. Her heart carries on pumping blood to all her internal organs, including the umbilical cord, which transfers blood to the placenta."
- from "The Pregnancy Bible" by J. Stone and K. Eddleman

So it's started.... I've begun dreaming of babies.

Earlier this week, before my doctor's appointment when I was worried about whether my baby was okay or not, I had a dream where I had a baby girl who was about 4 months old. In my dream, she was crying, and someone was going to take her away from me because I hadn't loved her enough. (This really came directly from my fears, when I was worried that I would have a miscarriage because I hadn't actively 'loved', as in sent loving positive vibes to, my baby). Then I was holding the baby girl in a pink blanket, and I started sinking in some quicksand (and this element came from a skit in the previous weekend's "Prairie Home Companion" on NPR).

Last night I dreamt I gave birth to a baby boy. The birth was very quick and entirely painless (hahaha, I know), and the baby was very cute. I could feel his heartbeat very strongly when I put my hand on his chest (and I think I could hear it too), and the nurse or whoever put him into some sort of odd clear plastic bubble that had a hole for breathing. Somewhere along the line, he got turned around so that his mouth wasn't at the hole, but instead he was getting suffocated because he was squished into the other side of the bubble where there was no hole, and he started dying. He no longer had a heartbeat. However, someone was able to revive him and I could feel the heartbeat again. I hope this is purely sprung from fear and not my body giving me signals of what is happening to my real baby in utero....

Today I heard the baby's heartbeat!!! :-)

This is very exciting! I managed to keep it together pretty well at the doctor's office, but was quite emotional for a while thereafter. I think if I really think about it again, I'll probably start to cry again! When I got to work, I phoned Darryl and then my family to tell them the good news (though I was sort of bawling a bit which may have initially scared them). I'm very happy that they were able to find the heartbeat (with a doppler machine), because it's still a little early to be guaranteed hearing it. It sounded like a quick swoosh-swoosh-swoosh, beating about twice the rate of my own heartbeat. This is very good news because, as you know, I was worried. I don't think I'll be nearly as worried now--the baby seems healthy (as healthy as one can tell from just a heartbeat) and I'm almost into the second trimester, when the risk of miscarriage decreases dramatically. Now the baby seems more real, though I still can't believe I have a baby inside me! I failed to record the heartbeat on a tape recorder and I'm sad about that because Darryl deserves to have heard this first sign of baby too. Next appointment will be in 4 weeks and Darryl will come with me so that he can hear the heartbeat too! The appointment after that one will be the ultrasound, which I'm very much looking forward to. This post is a little disjointed, but it definitely mirrors the sort of chaotic maelstrom of thoughts that are flying through my mind. YAY!!!!!!!!!!! I'm so happy!!!! And it was so nice to hear how happy Darryl and my family are too. I know they are looking forward to this, but I really appreciate their support and love. (oh, I'm so emotional right now....!)

My cousin, Jen, who was pregnant along with me (we were due within a week of each other) found out last week that she had a missed miscarriage. That means that she had no symptoms of a miscarriage, but when she went to have an ultrasound, the doctor found that the baby had no heartbeat and had stopped developing two weeks prior. Jen told me about it last week, but I feel I can post my thoughts/feelings on this now, since she made a post of it on her blog:
http://konkle.ca/weblog/

I was very saddened to hear about the news; I had been thinking/worrying about miscarriages for a while and was trying to understand how I would feel if someone gave me bad news about my baby. It is very hard, if not impossible, for me to understand, though, how that would make me feel. Likewise, I cannot even begin to understand the enormity of loss that Jen feels. I do know, though, that I feel very sad. For Jen (because I can understand the excitement and anticipation of a coming baby), for Scott and Eben and the rest of their family, for myself (because my pregnancy and our children will not have a shared 'bond'), and for my baby (because I kind of thought of Jen's baby as my baby's 'twin'). It is my worst fear right now that a similar thing should happen to me, but I will not find out for at least 4 weeks from now. This has all been weighing heavily on my mind.

I have to console myself with the fact that a miscarriage (for Jen, me, or anyone else) most likely means that something was wrong with the baby or its development. I think it is easier to lose a 10-week old fetus than a 10-week old child (after birth). I'm glad Jen has a lot of support from her family, and that Eben is a source of happiness for her during this time. I would like Jen to have only healthy and happy babies, and so I will look forward to the future when she tells me again that she's pregnant and we can share stories and experiences and laughter. I would like our kids to know each other and to enjoy each others' company! I'm looking ahead to happy times...

Week 10

"Your baby measures about 1 1/4 to 1 2/3 inches (31 to 42 mm) from crown to rump, and weighs about 1/5 oz (5 g).

Your baby switches from being an embryo to a fetus -- which means 'little one' -- this week. His brain has grown so much by now that his head still looks too big for the rest of his body. His eyes and nose are clearly visible. Twenty tiny baby tooth buds are forming in his gums.

Your baby's wrists and ankles have formed by now, and you can make out fingers and toes. Most of his joints are formed. Genitals have begun to form, but it's too early to distinguish the sex.

Your baby's nervous system is responsive and many of his internal organs begin to function. His lungs continue to develop, and his stomach and intestines are developing in his abdomen. His kidneys are moving into their final positions in the upper abdomen, and his heart is almost completely developed."

- from "The Pregnancy Bible" by J. Stone and K. Eddleman

Week 9

"Your baby measures about 1 inch (22 to 30 mm) from crown to rump.

Your baby is now beginning to look like a proper baby. Her hands, feet, and limbs are growing quite fast. Her fingers and toes are nearly complete, and touch pads form on the fingers. Her eyelids almost cover her eyes and her nose has taken shape.

During the next few days your baby's diaphragm will develop; this is the muscle that will enable her to breathe after birth. Her intestines now begin to move out of the umbilical cord, where they started to form, and into her abdominal cavity where the space is increasing as her body gets bigger."

- from "The Pregnancy Bible", by J. Stone and K. Eddleman

I'm looking very forward to buying some kids' books! Not like my baby will be able to read anytime soon, but still! There are so many books I remember fondly....

Yesterday, while out at Wal-Mart, I bought 3 new pairs of pants. Mine are going to be unwearable soon enough, so I thought I should probably get some more. They aren't maternity pants, but they are one or two sizes up from my regular. One pair is a pair of jeans, and they are stonewashed (or similar) and are very pliable and comfy! I'm definitely looking forward to being able to wear them!

Ah, so how am I doing these days?

Very variably. Most days I feel a bit queasy the whole day; some days I feel normal (nice!); some other days I feel pretty awful. I haven't actually thrown up yet, but it definitely feels pretty imminent sometimes.

One day last week I had some kind of a 5-min. hypoglycemic episode: I got really hot really fast, my extremities started tingling, my vision started blacking out, and I heard a ringing in my ears. Also felt very nauseous. I managed to make it to the bathroom and just sat there, sort of hyperventilating. It went away quickly, after which I had chills for the rest of the day.... I have experienced that before: on the day we were going to sign the contract for our house, and that evening is when I had my ulcer attack. I was worried I might have another ulcer attack this time, but no such (bad) luck.

I have been finding myself a bit more emotional of late, especially feeling sad and 'down'. Some of the people on the pregnancy.org message board who were also due in June 2007 have had miscarriages, and lately I've sort of started worrying about that as well. I realize that whatever is going to happen, is going to happen, regardless of what I think or say or do, but I tend to worry about things I can't control (I think it irks Darryl sometimes).

For a couple of weeks there, I wasn't as tired as I was initially, but now I am feeling more drained again (even though getting a good amount of sleep). I'm looking forward to the end of this first trimester and the associated symptoms!

I'm looking very forward to the baby being here and us caring for it, and discovering his/her personality. Looking at baby clothes gets me all happy right now (and emotional: sometimes I feel like I'm going to cry when I think about the baby--cry in a good/happy way). We got a Fisher Price catalog in the mail and there's a very cute "Little People" nativity scene in there that we will probably buy (even though it's for ages 1+ years)!